The prisoner is in front of me. He has long hair and is wearing a blue jumpsuit.
In twelve seconds time, the prisoner falls to the floor at my feet. He’s already lying there, twelve seconds into the future.
Ten seconds now.
I am punching the prioner in the face repeatedly. I saw him in his cellblock thirty seconds ago. He’s still there, thirty seconds into the past, in his darkened cell. I’m still there looking at him.
I’m punching him in the face. His teeth, more teeth than anyone should ever have in their mouth, fly everywhere. Along with a lot of blood. Seven seconds now.
I am tired of punching the prisoner. He falls to the floor at my feet.
I am going to punch other prisoners in the face. All we ever see of prisoners is their teeth flying out of their mouths.
Two hours into my future I’m surfing for porn, thinking about boobs. Twelve seconds into my past, I punch the prisoner in the face and he falls.
It is 7:39pm. I’m sitting at my desk, downloading Watchmen: The End is Nigh demo from Steam. I am thirty-six years old.
It is 7:45pm. I’m sitting at my desk, playing Watchmen: The End is Nigh demo. I am thirty-six years old.
The prisoner lies at my feet, is punched by my fists, is standing in front of me. I am watching his teeth, admiring their complex trajectories through the air.
I am trying to give a name for the force that set them in motion. Oh yeah. It was my fist, punching him. In the face.
I am playing as Rorschach. His mask looks really cool, the way it changes all the time. The lighting in the demo also looks cool. Everything looks cool. They did a nice job on making things look cool. It almost helps me not think about the fairly cruddy controls and horrible camera. You can also play as Nite Owl, though I choose not to.
Six seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Eighteen seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Twenty-two seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Forty seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Forty-six seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Fifty-one seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Sixty-eight seconds from now, I am punching another prisoner in the face. Seventy seconds from now, I am killing a man in the snow. No, wait, my bad. I’m punching another prisoner in the face.
Seventy-nine seconds from now, I find a little floating icon that gives me the ability to punch prisoners in the face in a slightly different way.
We’re all puppets. I’m just a puppet who can punch a lot of prisoners in the face.
I find another floating icon that lets me do whatever this is. I have no idea what it is, exactly. A squall of tachyon particles, or perhaps whiskey shots, is making it difficult to see further into the future to determine exactly what the hell this is. Some sort of over-the-shoulder reverse butt-lock, perhaps.
Really, it’s just humiliating for both of us.
This demo can no longer be my concern. I am leaving it for one less repetitive. All the punching of prisoners in the face never seems to end.
But nothing ends. Nothing ever ends.
Looks neat, not much else besides punching in the face. A lot of punching in the face.
34 Comments
March 5, 2009
You sir, just won the internet.
March 5, 2009
Lol. I was hoping it would be good. Only 2 stickies though. Oh well. Update is credit to team
March 5, 2009
Lol
March 5, 2009
I agree with CannedLizard. How would you like your new internet to be delivered?
March 5, 2009
those are some pretty awesome sideburns on the dude you are punching in the face two hours ago, btw
March 5, 2009
Im wondering, would the writing style be funnier if i had read the novel?
March 5, 2009
This is the greatest thing I have read in MONTHS. Holy fucking crap.
March 5, 2009
@Kyle:
Yes it would. He’s imitating a specific issue of the novel.
March 5, 2009
@Smeltzenseltzer
Gotcha. Thanks
March 5, 2009
So, you got into a molecular disassembler thingummy?
Well, good to see you’re keeping the blog anyway.
Just… make sure you wear some pants. For everyone’s sake.
March 6, 2009
i wish I knew what the fuck watchmen IS.
March 6, 2009
You’re not trapped on the internet with us.
We’re all trapped on the internet with you.
March 6, 2009
I can’t even get the damn demo to work on Steam; I do like that it’s apparently run as KapowMulti.exe
March 6, 2009
That has got to be the best review I have ever read.
March 6, 2009
I never read the Watchmen, but I’ve been shown a couple of pictures from the book. Mainly pictures with dog’s heads split in half. Or naked blue men.
March 6, 2009
Stupid Addicted, it watchmen, not THE watchmen.
March 6, 2009
I thought this game is an old school brawler??? I mean look at Cadillacs And Dinasours, or The Punisher, it’s all punching dudes in the face and it never gets old. But i guess you are right, we ARE 2009 it’s time devs think outside the box.
Also this style of writing just wasn’t funny for me, EVERY other post you make i laugh my ass off, not this one. It’s probably because i’m stupid and i don’t get it lol.
March 6, 2009
Neat review, but I can’t help but think that it would have been funnier written as if from Rorschach’s journal, seeing as Dr. Manhattan isn’t really anything to do with the game.
Still, very, very funny.
March 6, 2009
This and the RPS review (Joe Russell, they read your mind, read it here http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2009/03/05/watchmen-the-demo-is-nigh/ )
“Review it? Dan, I’m not Keiron Gillen. Do you seriously think I’d explain my opinion if there remained the slightest chance of it affecting your purchase? I gave it two stars thirty-five minutes ago”
March 6, 2009
sigh, edited that sloppily. “This and the RPS review leads me to believe that every review of this game will be in character”.
March 6, 2009
CannedLizard: “You sir, just won the internet.”
He can’t, since he has already won it a long time ago.
March 6, 2009
POW.
POW.
POW.
POW.
POW.
Rorschach has unlocked the “Slightly Different way!”
PAW!
PAW!
PAW!
PAW!
PAW!
Rorschach has unlocked the “Embarrasment Move”
BLARGH
BLARGH
BLARGH
BLARGH
BLARGH
March 6, 2009
Fuck it, wouldn’t surprise me if Gordon Frohman showed up in the game adaption.
Stick to the literal integrity of source materials? I assure you sir we’re too crazy to do anything like that! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WOOOOOOOOOSH! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! RA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA! Mr Jellybean would like to board the station! I’ve brought bubble gum for my ticket and Mrs Follypops would like a crunchy alsatian.
*ketamin dose*
I’m going to see the movie to enjoy it, not to expect it to be representative of its sources. I’ll just remember that the comics and the movie aren’t actually related and it may even be fun.
March 6, 2009
I liked the movie. I didn’t have high hopes for the game. I mean, really, if you heard that the Watchmen game was going to consist of Nite Owl and Rorschach beating people up and DIDN’T immediately assume it was going to suck, you deserve to get psychically molested by a tentacled vagina monster from another dimension.
March 6, 2009
Seriously, wtf is the Watchmen? Why are they making a game about it?
March 6, 2009
Watchmen, not the Watchmen, as mentioned earlier.
Watchmen is a deconstruction of how super heros are the best things ever. Its alittle too high brow for normal people, but I’m sure most of you guys can take it.
March 7, 2009
I tried the “trial” version on the PS3 just now. I liked it. Yeah, for the first 5 minutes it’s all punching dudes in the face, but the new moves keep it fresh… if you played right till the time runs out then you’ll see that you get other moves like the raging bull (run straight in to someone and charge them in to the ground) and the throw move, which is best used to send prisoners hurtling to their deaths over a railing.
Most of all I liked the way that, for the combo moves, you have to press the button as your last hit lands, which is A) not all that hard, and B) Stops people from mashing every button possible (*cough*Tekken*cough*)
March 7, 2009
Actually, I think it’s called bull rush, but I didn’t spend much time reading what the moves were after I charged a prisoner in to one of those metal cage wall things and his head got stuck between them, and watched his body flail about for a good few minutes…
March 7, 2009
I played it and I had good fun. Reminded me of Streets of Rage. Rorschach is completely brutal. Chaining together quick and strong attacks, then having that last punch slow time for a few seconds so you can feel the impact and watch them go toppling over, is great, visceral fun.
Nite Owl isn’t any fun. What’s with the spin kicking? Use your damn mitts, you pansy.
March 7, 2009
I am punching the prioner in the face repeatedly.
March 8, 2009
This demo was made all the awesomer by the fact that I live about a ten-minute’s walk away from the prison in the demo. Hearing “Ossining had a blackout and the prisoners are rioting” in the beginning was just pure greatness.
March 9, 2009
It is 9:21 PM. I am browsing my selection of RSS feeds which I have selected on my selected RSS feed reader. That reader is Google Reader. It reads RSS feeds.
It is now 9:22 PM.
I click on my “General blogging” RSS feed folder. It contains RSS feeds pertaining to general blogging. It contains exactly nine RSS feeds for general blogs. It is 9:23 PM. There are 18 unread updates for those nine RSS feeds. As I read them, they are marked as read, no longer being unread as they were before. Five minutes in the future, seven of those updates will have been read. Three of them are from Failblog. They are humorous. I chuckle. My chuckling segues into the sound of silence and that weird annoying ringing noise that you always hear in empty rooms that isn’t really noticeable until you start listening and then you can’t unnotice god damn that’s irritating.
It is 9:27 PM. I think. Most of these times are made up. It is now 6:42 PM.
It is 9:48 PM. I am trying to convince myself that this comment is worth continuing. I am not doing a very good job. I should probably try punching myself in the face more often.
March 12, 2009
@Pwnzerfaust
Dude that sounded more like Mojo Jojo talk xD
March 13, 2009
I am both disturbed and ashamed that I understood that reference.
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