First-Person Shouter

The Panau Stately Bugle Newspaper
Metro Section D
Page 23-24

The Panau Police Blotter

Incident Date: 3/20/10
Incident Time: 3:12pm
Incident Location: Rumah Hartawan
Incident Description: Domestic disturbance. Man arguing loudly with wife over perceived infidelity. Officer dispatched. Citations issued.

Incident Date: 3/21/10
Incident Time: 5:52pm
Incident Location: Bandar Selekeh
Incident Description: Minor traffic accident. Taxi collided with motorbike. Citation issued.

Incident Date: 3/22/10
Incident Time: 11:19am
Incident Location: Pekan Sempit
Incident Description: Report of fisticuffs. Two men in scuffle over apparent gambling debt. Citations issued.

Incident Date: 3/23/10
Incident Time: 1:22pm
Incident Location: Panau International Airport
Incident Description: Airport attacked, fuel stations destroyed, two helicopters and one passenger jet hijacked, four jeeps destroyed, two motorcycles destroyed, statue of President toppled, 29 soldiers and 4 bystanders killed. Surviving witnesses said attacker drove into airport on motorcycle and opened fire. Soldiers responding were gunned down. Both responding helicopters infiltrated by attacker, who used grappling hook to pull himself to helicopters, slowly and deliberately punch the pilots in the face, eject them, then leap out of both helicopters and parachute back down to tarmac. Attacker was last seen standing on roof of Panau Airlines passenger jet as it was taxiing down runway. Shortly after takeoff, attacker somehow entered the plane through the outer door. Body of pilot found several hundred yards away, dead from apparent fall. Passenger jet with 126 passengers currently missing. Large box of money also stolen from airport roof. Airport officials stated “That’s just where we keep all our airport money.”

Incident Date: 3/23/10
Incident Time: 2:45pm
Incident Location: Bandar Kayu Buaya
Incident Description: Woman overheard speaking with ridiculous, unconvincing accent. Citation issued.

Incident Date: 3/23/10
Incident Time: 3:26pm
Incident Location: Tengah Bay Highway
Incident Description: Missing passenger jet spotted; taxi driver assaulted. Witnesses say passenger jet landed on strip of highway, knocking over several trees. Pilot leapt out, impaled taxi driver with a cable, attached the other end to the top of a street light, watched him dangle for several moments, then leapt back into jet and took off, knocking over more trees. 126 Passengers presumably still on board.

Incident Date: 3/23/10
Incident Time: 6:23pm
Incident Location: Kem Singa Menerkam Military Base
Incident Description: Fuel pipeline overloaded and destroyed. Fourteen soldiers and three workers killed. Surviving worker said a man crashed a damaged helicopter near the fuel station and opened fire without warning. After killing soldiers with gunfire, as well as attaching one soldier to a gas canister with a wire and then shooting the gas canister, which flew into the air, dragging the soldier with it, attacker then entered the overload code into the fuel station. Worker wondered why a simple overload code was even added to the console system considering the incredible danger it presented. Worker added he had worked there for fourteen years and was unsure how he would now provide for his family. Worker claims attacker called him a “jerk” despite the fact that the worker volunteered at a local animal shelter, cared for his elderly mother, and gave blood every six months.

Incident Date: 3/24/10
Incident Time: 4:27am
Incident Location: Road North of Pulau Berapi Military Harbor
Incident Description: Five soldiers killed. Witnesses say attacker parachuted from the sky, fired a “wire thing” into one soldier’s groin, attached the other end to a motorcycle, and dragged soldier around in the street until soldier died. Attacker repeated this with four other soldiers, then seemed satisfied with his achievement and escaped by jumping from moving motorcycle, opening a parachute, and disappearing over trees while lobbing grenades at pursuing jeeps.

Incident Date: 3/24/10
Incident Time: 6:01am
Incident Location: East Tanya Raya
Incident Description: Report of several people cavorting around dressed as ninjas. Responding officers pointed out what a ridiculous a concept it was. They sheepishly agreed. Citations issued.

Violation of Panau Statute 619.33.c: Being extremely silly.

Incident Date: 3/24/10
Incident Time: 8:44am
Incident Location: Kem Gunug Kudus Military Base
Incident Description: Colonel Tengku Baba assassinated and twenty soldiers killed. Witnesses report spotting small private jet passing overhead, then suddenly veering toward the base as if the pilot somehow sensed the Colonel was on the base even from a considerable distance. Attacker jumped from plane as it crashed and parachuted in while firing. When gunfire proved ineffective against Colonel’s substantial body armor, attacker switched to grenade launcher. Attacker escaped via parachute with feet never having touched ground. Witnesses report feeling a slight lowering of their morale as a result of the Colonel’s death. Citations issued to witnesses, warning them to increase their morale to acceptable levels.

Incident Date: 3/24/10
Incident Time: 11:22am
Incident Location: Panau City Financial District
Incident Description: Illegal base-jumping. Witnesses say man approached a skyscraper on foot, then scaled the building using grappling hook to climb a hundred feet at a time. Miraculously no windows were broken by the hook, though reports indicate a drug briefcase was taken from a ledge near top of tower. Local drug dealers stated: “That’s just where we keep our drug stuff.” Upon reaching top of tower, man jumped off and fell. Upon nearing the base of the tower, man fired grappling hook into the ground, which pulled him safely to earth despite his terminal velocity. Man then made phone call. A helicopter appeared immediately overhead, somehow dropping off yet another helicopter, which the man escaped in.

Incident Date: 3/25/10
Incident Time: 8:21am
Incident Location: Hills south of Kota Kuala Delima
Incident Description: Charred remains of missing passenger jet located. Witnesses reported seeing plane early yesterday, flying erratically as if hijacker was attempting to fly under several bridges at full speed, while occasionally leaping onto the roof of jet to “shoot at stuff.” Jet vanished from sight behind ridge, and explosion was heard in the distance. All 126 passengers dead on impact.  No sign of hijacker though a disposed parachute was found nearby.